Who knows!

So im bored, very bored.
i have a tendersy to dweel and make myself bored.
if you have any ideas that may inspire me to get less bored, throw them this way.

How has it become that i am so bored?
lack of change? change of passion?
or am i still unable to let go of the certain ways i have obtained. Certain people that influnced my life. Certain circumstantial changes that felt weren't intended for the better of me.
Understanding that they were intented for the better of a growing young adult as progresion in this life of mine, has been a task to tackle.

What has got me here at this point is not the hate and resentment of these events but i like to more think the understanding and education i have gained, evne though it feels like failure. i dont want to stop learning. but i dont want more pain.
life is pain. and the quicker i learn and except that im suffering i will not be so harsh on myself.
unfortunately, i still beleive. and well. like to feel what im feeling. i am alive..
and what i have been given has been a adventurous journey into the unkown of myself and im sure for others to.

so im eating a nectarine, it tastes great. but ignoring that point i have been unable to eat lately at my best. maybe due to the butterflies flying around inside me stirring what is still coming to settle and find its place helping me move and prevent me to collapse once again into the ominous pit of self pity, depression, worthless sex, self harm towards myself and the binge drinking of cheap alcohol beverages.

It IS how it is and i have been more and more open in accepting this.
drinking, procastinating and self harm have not helped. and i learnt that quickly again. i changed quickly, becoming aware and im quite proud. yet i still feel empty and part of me pushes to search for the gap to be filled.dam a hug would be great right now. the ones you dont want to let go because the closure of the other person helps you feel safe and not alone.
learning that that is not the answer. if i stay positive it will come to me eventaully. all i had to do was let go...

No one wants to be alone in this world. i defantly dont. the feel to be needed, wanted, accepted and cherised to someones life excites me and brings me hope to take on more then i can. the only issues is i let it take control to much, so then loss, self love and presevation for my self becomes bleak and dank and the spiral starts to happen again. then the spitfulness in myself and self hate becomes over whelming, dragging those around me down.
Stability and liberation must be aqquired. independence and love are lacking most, and that i cant get up, turn my thought patterns around to change it quick is a breeding disaster .
but i beleive in time that it shall change and the more positive i can be the quicker i can aqquire such a dream to come true. to not recreate my failure and floors would be such the blessing. oh but thats not life, and the job will never be done. getting better is the task at hand.

Changing is my best freind but worst fear. or maybe the other way round. It can stay right and adjust to the thought and subject to change and adaption to it, i just cant seem to make friends and get along with it to support my wants and accept the needs its channeling through me.

all i beleive at this point is that im grateful. feel compasion. and hold no regrets or negative towards my past expereince. moving forward has been a difficult road and so has for others around me. but in this short time i have gained much knowleadge and apprecation for what its been and how much its worth to me now.

lets let it be. lets live in what weve been given. lets be friends till the end.
anything can happen at anytime at any point from the most unexpected.
and that i look forward to again.
change may never be my freind and i look forward to arguing with it more.

Nothing last forever i have been told. but i do beleive something is created from nothing. and if by unexpected chance. i may have the oppurtunity to be educated in such the events to me again with the same ppl in my life. for worse or better. for whats wrong or right.
or maybe, because the time will be right. and im aloud to keep it.

who knows..... bring it on again i say!! :)