Nostalgic Christmas

Christmas brings this lonely Depression to my life every year.
its quite sad, it gives me heartache and pain in places no one else could feel, as i am me.
the tree, the decorations, the Christmas carols. mainly the family stuff.

i havent done it in quite some time, and it stirs my insides even just hearing about it
and just as you guess, i had that experience today. i was thrown right in there, with much info about how it will be, and such a welcome into your family, and the support was appreciated, but you just wont no how i really felt about the whole situation.it's not your job too..
and what you did was very very comforting and supportive.


Im NOT this happy chappy face. that you's think, or treat me like i should be.
dont get pissed off or treat and make me feel crap. just because i dont smile extravagantly large like you's do, because i cant take a joke that obviously just a childish fantasy between you's.
because im not this awesome fun loving person, overrated and made into a sarcastic action which to me displays unexceptances and guilt, with a hint of shameless and outcasted. just because i cant be like you's


I have a fuck load of feelings and if you cant handle any of them, stay the fuck away from me and dont bother. leave me to my life because its the way it is!
and i'll leave you to yours
some times i may ask for much, but other times... i dont think i ask for much at all
im only human just like the rest of us.



so how did we get here ?

Christmas..
it saddens me, it makes me feel nostalgic
ive lost family, family that means so much to me, family i dont even know yet.
and even though its such a great opportunity, a wonderful feeling, and such acceptance and appreciation to be welcome to that family

i still have alot on my mind, alot of mixed feelings. alot i'll always carry.
so leave me be, or leave me
just know, we are not alone