the human heart is a mystery

Nostalgic Christmas

Christmas brings this lonely Depression to my life every year.
its quite sad, it gives me heartache and pain in places no one else could feel, as i am me.
the tree, the decorations, the Christmas carols. mainly the family stuff.

i havent done it in quite some time, and it stirs my insides even just hearing about it
and just as you guess, i had that experience today. i was thrown right in there, with much info about how it will be, and such a welcome into your family, and the support was appreciated, but you just wont no how i really felt about the whole situation.it's not your job too..
and what you did was very very comforting and supportive.


Im NOT this happy chappy face. that you's think, or treat me like i should be.
dont get pissed off or treat and make me feel crap. just because i dont smile extravagantly large like you's do, because i cant take a joke that obviously just a childish fantasy between you's.
because im not this awesome fun loving person, overrated and made into a sarcastic action which to me displays unexceptances and guilt, with a hint of shameless and outcasted. just because i cant be like you's


I have a fuck load of feelings and if you cant handle any of them, stay the fuck away from me and dont bother. leave me to my life because its the way it is!
and i'll leave you to yours
some times i may ask for much, but other times... i dont think i ask for much at all
im only human just like the rest of us.



so how did we get here ?

Christmas..
it saddens me, it makes me feel nostalgic
ive lost family, family that means so much to me, family i dont even know yet.
and even though its such a great opportunity, a wonderful feeling, and such acceptance and appreciation to be welcome to that family

i still have alot on my mind, alot of mixed feelings. alot i'll always carry.
so leave me be, or leave me
just know, we are not alone

uneasy communication for the better

life seems to throw the unexpected of things to expect, or so i evaluate it as that, when maybe its really the beginning of some fantasy end and a reality of doomed start.

what?
what's really going through my head, is the sheer drop that has happened in such a life and the rise of a reality check to myself and those that matter to me.

Why?
because iniatally i decided to forget a important lesson of teaching the balanced a simple justification of what really is going on, such a thing i only need to learn and others seem to know the value of such a lesson.

When?
In the past three months i became a so called master of my inner self as a human, in touch with what is and excepted what was to be, how it was layed out as, why it is so, and when such a circumstance made its precinct to harness such a life form from a ever drumming sound into the mind.

who?
the victim of self realisation to ensure pure happiness and a enlightened life of constant exception into a every evolving world of emotional human beings every on the run by a voice plaguing the self conscious human mind that so rots us

How?
how is the part that starts it really. this is where the change recourse's itself from a manifested self consciously built up empire of indestructible emotional pressure that only a depressive self pitiless feeling of anxiety could attack - which it did.
to skip that part, change is now needed, reformation and endurance to take on a once cherished believe that enhanced the mind, powered the body and fuelled the ever fluctuation of needy feelings and fearfulness anxiety attacks.
that made me the better person i was and ,change.
as the clock turns 12'10 i shall put down these keys and pick up what i put down some months ago.
for what i forgot then is only helping me loose what i have now, something i do not intend for my life.
in 11 days, more. the words i so ever wish to be reminded, is that i choose you. for you ARE that better person, that ever evolving human being of positive energy, that person that constantly progress's the understanding and caring of another through communication. that dose what one must for them selves and the ones he cares for

anything else i could do?

Red

I've been wandering through my garden, picking all the red flowers i can find.

because i know you like red.

i was hoping that maybe i can give them to you. that i could drop them of to you. that maybe i can get someone togive them to you at work some how. that i could get the courage to do a nice thing. but i remembered. that i dont have that courage

i remembered that you dont want to see me atm. that you dont want to hear me. so why would you want to see these flowers.

so i then pictured these flowers, wiltered, droopy. something i did not want to imagine. i dont want you to see them like that.

i hope you can see them before they disapear. i hope i can see you

because i love you,

and im sorry its not the way you'd like

i just hope your ok

Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Its Actually Really Simple Alex
its not just the simplicity of her body
the shinning light on her smile
the warmth of every hug
the depth of every word of emotion

it cant be the thought of every action
the thought of every feeling
the touch of those finger tips
and the charm of that laugh
a voice of a beauty

the passion for life
or the awareness of what gets in the way
the movement of every muscle
the spirit of a intelligent child

it is every little part of you ive never had
it is all of the emotional content
its the pleasure of your company
your relationship as my loving friend

1 month or 1 year
im glad i am right here

your make me feel complete
from a failing defeat

i will never give up, because i will not let go
i will always move forwards because you are constantly on the go

your kiss is a life, and i receive it as a mystical gift

It is the things in common that makes this relationship enjoyable, but it is the little differences that make it interesting

take my soft hands because with you and i will take yours with me were i go

believe and we will create a magical life together for us

Here and Now

I Love you alexandra staniland <3

"Is what I am saying loving, compassionate, kind, empowering, or insightful?"
Posted by Jesta at 7:57 AM 1 comments

its all about you

its all about you. well it is at the moment.
its all about the problems you bring.its all about the issues you have.
its all about the insecurities you have. the aggressive attitude you swing
its when you try and put someone first, you dont seem to remember yourself.
you forget whats coming , you forget whats happened.
put done that phone, put down that knife. pick up that bottle, and empty it first sight. stop drowning yourself in sorrow, leave that place you weep in all night
make a decision now, no. except what is, live in whats now.
If things dont go as desired, dont be scared to let go.

maybe you'll cry, maybe it wasnt to be. maybe it will come back. maybe you just dont have what it takes
maybe this will end your insight

jesse, wake up.

Reference--
-I had a boy on my table today. I don't know, maybe a year younger than you. He had a bad heart. It got real hairy, real fast.
And everybody's looking at your old man to make decisions. And I was able to make those decisions because at the end of the day, after the boy died, I was able to wash my hands and come home to dinner.
You know, watch a little Carol Burnett, laugh till my sides hurt.

And how can I do that, hmm? And even when I fail, how do I do that?
Because I have what it takes.
Don't choose, don't decide. You don't want to be a hero, you don't try and save everyone because when you fail... you just don't have what it takes.

and now

i asked the people closet to me
" am i narrow minded ? "
you are the least narrow mindeed person jesse
" am i arrogant ? "
NO, but your father is, so you have a little. you are stubborn jesse.
you are quite stubborn, there are times were you want things your way.
but were all like that.

so whats the deal?

Proportion has been taken out place i beleive.

full of it

I haven't eaten since Thursday night. Thursday night
I'm filled up with liquor, and what good that dose me.
do i care any less. obviously not. obviously not about you.
I've lost touch with my spirituality. did i have it to begin with?
Whats the worst is... i knew. and i done nothing about it.



Demise is a big word. Seems to be my favourite. right under creation....
should go create a sandwich. but that sandwich doesn't want me.
I have no money. I have no job. 1+1= sandwich
i stare into endless nothing. i have nothing but feelings. and a keyboard
what a combination. what a life. i am a grim person
i wish i was more fun loving, adventuresome. not just such a bore
cry cry cry. sob moan complain. wine wine boohoo.
one step closer to another not caring, do not read this then!
send me to a remote island. take me away from the people i hurt.


no one likes a sad sack. so why do it. because im full of it
some things are just meant to be

Thanks dad

all i do is feel sorry for myself. i cower in my tin shed. in my shell.
im a attention seeker. im a drama creater. i hurt hearts. i lie.
i want everyone to feel my pain almost. i try and feel others. but i only think about myself.


i have feelings. there obviously directed at myself though. they have no interest for others. and then i have a sad when im not listened too. i then cosume myself with doubt and self pity. that i am a problem. i am a pretty face with a evil heart. i hurt people around me.

you were violent towards me. youve hit me so many times. you taught me that feelings were bad. i didnt listen. all i wanted to do was share feelings with you. and now, i have too many.
so i blame you. i blame you for my violence. i balme you for my uncontrolable need. i blame you for never being there. i blame you cause now i dont want to be there.
but everytime i do. i know that its me i have to blame. really

i never have enough to learn.

yet my actions have lost close ones before. my actions have lost your trust and love.
once again i fall down to my knees. with only myself to blame.
maybe because who i am im not meant to be with you. not if im going to hurt you.

im a pretty face. but im trouble inside.

and because i choose to to not pick myself up. i'll wollow like this. probably until i get given the opportunity again. the opportunity to fuck up again.

I miss you so much.
and i have no idea what to do to make things better.
in fact. im starting to believe ive failed. and can never make it better.
and in that process ive scarred you. and you may never love me again.

Friend

What should i write ?



i'll write with the advise you gave me, friend

I am a little confused..
I'm more a little frustrated to say in fact, now what did you say?!?
your sorry, so am i, and i will always be cause i wish to learn to try and not repeat such a thing.

" I do apologize sir" " I never meant to upset you "
" I apologize too there sir "
" Can i buy you a beer? "... You are not here no more.

Whats this ?!?
Why are you leaving?
Wait, where have you gone!
And, and who is that there?!?!?

my eyes filled with salted water

and then i wake up.....

wise words from the mouth

Recently, i had a quite insightful talk with my mother.
she reminded me that a relationship is hard no matter what, harder then alot of things.
the understanding that this special one comes into your life and lives with you day in day out is just a part of it.
when you bring this special person into your life you have to learn pretty much the last 20 yrs of that person, you have to learn how they feel, think, act and respond to how you are and how you act, you have to learn how to treat them like your family that you love.
for example!
i live with my bother, sister and mother. i deal with them everyday, every good time and bad time must be treated as nothing, because in 10, 30 mins even a day things will go back to normal, but.. its being with them for so long and knowing the buttons to push and what not too.
your bringing this special person you love into your life, and your always gonna have times of hate, pain and disagrements. wether you walk away the victor you could soon realize you really werent.
Its a must to love them no matter how mad, crazy, bossy, criticising they are.
no matter how much they drive you mad or how much they want to help.
you love them, and you love them for who they are!
sometimes it dosent work though. and it is best to be aware and save the pain.
i have felt and been there before....

but this time i am no where seeing or feeling that. this person, this girl, is someone i truly love, i truly stand by and truly aim to grow with and learn from.
i desire a healthy relationship with you

i am not perfect and never will be. i have as many faults as you and i never wish to believe i dont.

this is why i believe in a unconditional love.
and not in a sentence, just for what it is too me.
that i will love you no matter what we face.

we have our whole life ahead of us.


Note to self: talk, share and dont be scared. react in a loving way, not a criticising of judging way.
You have problems to, and you know what im talking about.


Thank you mother <3

Eggs on toast

im in that state of mind again..
where no one can come in and rescue me no matter how much i cry out for help or plea in desperation and struggle over self restraint..
my mind has gone black, my eyes see dark, every little thing pisses me of, sets me wild inside weather its any of your fault or not.... i feel weak and a failure,my feelings are haywire so im jealous of anyones conquests, and disgraced of all my failures. yearn to be someone im not yet bitch about something i am all to see vice versa in play. i cant cry when i really feel i need to, i lie when i shouldnt have to. i tell the truth with insecurity and shutdown over integrity , what? why?
its pathetic, and i know im doing it. is my undoubtedly question to myself?

i pretend in my head, i act a safety plan, i hatch a fresh egg.
and with each movement im slammed against the chair with the bright lantern stuck in my face, " WHY "
" cant you fucking see where your going to end "

There i plea again, the one holding this light in my face, torchering me with cruel demoralising words, stamping on my feet clownish boney feet, more, my mind. pounding against my chest and limiting my breathing, my eyes slowly shutter to see...myself.

i never said this was a game to be completed or a project to finish
more like a ever going challenge to understand

balancing this in me is some task




-----------------------
Those born is this week are capable of withdrawing form the world for months or even years, doing battle with themselves in an attempt to come to grips with their problems. The challenge a cancer 1 faces is to move from being a person helplessly adrift in a sea of feeling, just able to keep his head above water, into being one you can swim confidently in the swift currents of life.
For those who live with them, it may be difficult to stand but and watch as cancer 1s bottle up their feelings or enter into self - imposed isolation. while it may look like self torture, it is almost impossible, and in fact usually inadvisable, to get down in the soup with cancer 1s. A more beneficial stance is usually to back off and wait until they surface and seek human interaction again. Patience is an obligory virtue for those desiring a successful relationship with these individuals.

The Week of Empathy

Cancer 1, june 25- july 2

The cancer 1 takes empath as its central image. this period can be compared to a time in the early adult life when the need to understand, feel and, to an extent, to identify with others comes to the fore. Such understanding may extend to the life history, feelings or personality of another person. it may also involve sympathy for another persons ideas or way of thinking. This process is not only important in developing basic humanity, but also because without some degree of empathy success in the world of society will be denied.
the days that comprise cancer 1 symbolically reveal the young adult developing the capacity to open up and recieve positive influnences from the world but also to be more discrimanating and resilient in defending against harmful energies. in addition, learning about how the emotional life works, how the unconscious functions and, in general, what motivates people to do what they do figure prominetly.

Cancers 1s are hard to figure out. Emotionally complex, they combine sharply contrasting qaulities in there psychological makeup. Tehy may give an entirelly diffrent expresion than in another, according to there mood. A cancer 1 may strike one person as out going, another as retiring, one as posotive and expasnsive, another as negative and depressive, still others as easy going, others as difficult. Only those who live with a cancer 1 day in and day out are able to appreciate there depth and diversity.

Part of the reason for there vaireity of there emtional palette is there senstivity. Empathic, cancer 1s quickly pick up on the feelings of others - so much so that theymay mistake such feelings for there own. Thoses born in this week may find themselves replaying other peoples scripts and hence playing a role in the lifes daily drama that is not really theirs. Developing their self-awareness, gaining an accurate view of their personal interactions and gettin a grip on their emotions will be essential to them.

Because they are so at the mercy of the feelings of others as children, caner 1s generally cry out for protection. Even when protection is garanted, these empaths may spend a life time seeking out people to mother and nuture. but if those born in this week are instead exsposed to tough and unsympathetic treatment by thier families and, later, by the world, they are capable of surronding themselves with virtaully impenetrable shell. love can enable such cancer 1s to feel again, melting there outer defenses and allowing them to express there true emotions. A great deal of pent-up resenmant and frustration may have to be voiced, however, before thier hurt is eased and they are able to trust again.

One should not get the idea, however, that cancer 1s are wish-washy characters out of touch with worldly realities. in fact, they are very clever in getting their way.those born in this week generally give money a high priority, and they are often financially astute. Their investment sense can be excellent, and they can frequently make stocks and other holdings pay off. Also in the realm of technical skills they show a good grasp of whatever material they make there own, and a good ability to implement their plans.

Aggression can play an ambiguous role in the lives of cancer1s: they are naturally aggressive, and can have difficulty sublimating this instinct into positive expression, particularity in the sexual, verbal or athletic sphere. Too often they swing from angry outbursts to repression, which often leads them into melancholia, in extreme cases, their anger can be self-destructive. Finding a metier that allows them easy expression of there aggression is an important life task for them, and one that the often overlook.

Those born is this week are capable of withdrawing form the world for months or even years, doing battle with themselves in an attempt to come to grips with their problems. The challenge a cancer 1 faces is to move from being a person helplessly adrift in a sea of feeling, just able to keep his head above water, into being one you can swim confidently in the swift currents of life. the most successful cancer 1s are those who can share there unique view of the world with others. First, of course, they must conquer their inner fears and liberate themselves from self - or parentally imposed behavioral stereotypes. Next the may have to overcome in flexibility and real or imagined handicaps. Through sheer guts and determination, they are often capable of overcoming these and other obstacles, and putting their acute psychological perceptions they often do well when self employed, operating from home base that may be connected to their living space. should they choose to have children, the caring aspects of their personalities augur well for their abilities as parents.

For those who live with them, it may be difficult to stand but and watch as cancer 1s bottle up their feelings or enter into self - imposed isolation. while it may look like self torture, it is almost impossible, and in fact usually inadvisable, to get down in the soup with cancer 1s. A more beneficial stance is usually to back off and wait until they surface and seek human interaction again. Patience is an obligory virtue for those desiring a successful relationship with these individuals.

On the other hand, cancer 1s have a great deal to offer in a relationship: sympathy, technical proficiency, financial astuteness and a good managerial sense. because of their need to spend time at home, they can be counted on to keep things in good working order and to provide comfort and security .
Cancer 1s can be extremely can be extremely persuasive, at times too much so. their need to persuade can outstrip the advisability of their counsel, leaving them saddled with guilt of having sent someone off in a wrong direction. Cancer1s pride themselves on doing there homework on given subjects, and when there research is through it will yield positive results, good friends know, however, that emotional strain can cloud their thoughts, easily throwing them off track, so that they may offer confused judgments and advise with the same air conviction and authority as cogent ones.

Strengths - financially astute. sensitive. technically proficient
Weaknesses - Aggressive. fearful. needy.

Dont armor yourself too heavily - on the other hand, remain discriminating. allow others the freedom to take risks. though salesmanship may be excellent, it is not always appreciated. Dont challenge only fears - overcome them through self liberation and action

x

In my hand i hold a letter, a letter that will determine my future
a letter i feel i already know the answer to, a letter i find to bitter feeling to open, this letter makes my insides cringe and churn.

feels my life is already laid out for me, there is no deciding what i can do now.

my heart is burning, burning with hate towards you.. because what i feel im looked upon at now is what was meant to become.. you tricked me, you used me and if i could take anything back it will be you.
everything we ever had i would. you poisoned me with a curse, or did i get offered the vile and drunk it myself.

i trusted a white princess to discover a black witch, my eyes hurt now.... the rain keeps falling, it will not stop any time soon.
will i keep falling, am i now that it is such a sign of reapetedness. am i destined to destroy myself and others. can i survive my own torment to peace another.

why do you do this? What can i make of me? and can i change what i believe so to be not to be?
i know better then anyone else
that the greatest recipes to my life, are my own creations. that i can make my desires happen.

just not at this point do i feel the need to, wallow is all i want to do....

act now or lose all scares me.

or keep believing and i might just receive it


no matter what my fear is

i am sad

i am lonely

i am happy i have you now...

i know and have learnt




the only way is
strength in myself

and self empowerment inside.

help?

All i want to do is help
but that person is not me

all i wanna do is cry
but i mostly make others

i just want to please
but all i do is just squeeze

mistakes keep apearing
because i feel like im a mistake

but im just making them

all i want to do is help
i just want to help you

i must help you thou
......jesse

one more lie ontop of another

lying is not a nice thing to do..
saying one thing and doing the other isnt very nice.
your quite a dick arnt you.
so dont take those cruel words seriously...
you created those words, and straight from the horses mouth!
bit of a dick arnt you.....

how many more times do you think you'll be aloud to get away with it.