Most times

Sometimes and really when you think about it, most times life just doesn't go the way you've planned it. To the point, I have a son. His name is Zachary. And his mother and I are not together.
So you can probably guess why I mention that sometimes it just doesn't go the way you would like it to.
I've given up before, and I've wanted to give up completely at times. But I haven't yet. And don't plan to. Weather I'm in my sons life for as much as I want to or not i don't feel the need to push and. change the course of how my life is pretty much meant to be atm. It is just how it is atm. And my biggest acceptance is dealing with it. Shit happens and there's no use complaining and trying to redirect the course that has already bestowed upon me will make the struggle much worse. Im learning hard that's for sure. But doin what I can to see that this is just how it is for me. All I can do is be aware and wise to not let such events happen to me every again. That is the real challenge I believe.
I am changing everyday. And learning more every second of my life.
But I know.... I have far to go. And if I keep holding in I'll be just fine.
I love you so much my son. And you and me will have a great life together.

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c is for criticism

Criticism tells you everything you need to know about yourself. So listen carefully. The faults you point out in others are very often your own in disguise. The way you speak about the world is the way the world will speak about you. How can life every look up if you keep putting everyone down?
Criticism issue form of selves harm. Go easy.

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just..

So recently what I write gets me in trouble. well.....
Am I not aloud to express my inside feelings. Through plastic keys rather then to flesh and blood. I'm a writer.
Maybe we should toughen up since they are words on the page then a real voice of criticism. Well....
I see and accept its just a mirror.
Just two mirrors.....

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If you want time, why the Fuck do you come round. You wouldn't have her if it wasn't for me. And that is true! Stop causing drama even if you think your not. I'm sick of this shit so Fuck off!

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The artful scar that stains me. That is my pain. I've never cut myself but when I think about it, I've allowed others to. A mark I've asked for. Blood I can't draw out myself. scars left that won't disappear. Pain inflicted because I am weak to induced on myself. Symbols resembling part of my life, pain I've given. Given to myself. Overtime I cry. I cringe with what it is, how it was, now. I move forwards. Pain is relative. That relativity is my tattoos. Tattoos are my scars.
and these scars are my pain.
Am I a self harmer?

In ways no one but me understands...

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I guess I don't really have to say anything here, considering I was present for all of the above. :) Thank you for posting your love for me to the world.


You never cease to amaze me with your capacity to love and give, unconditionally. Thank you for being you,


I've read this about five times now. And I'm undecided, but leaning towards thinking 'you' is you. The things I want to say won't fit in a comment box. All I can say is I love you


We're all pretending, and it's not until you learn to trust that you can let down that facade and show your scars and wounds. You are good enough. You are worthy. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay to cry. Jealousy is not a sin. You will survive. I'm here with you and we're alive. <3

Obsessive Compulsive Woman

Wow, i cant beleive you. well maybe i can.
it makes sense it was a lie now.
it makes sense now that you didnt tell the truth.
its sad how you treat yourself like that.
its quite depressing you didnt love me like that.

so you keep running into that brick wall
you keep chasing that pathetic DREAM!
because youll NEVER get him back
and if you do, i'll laugh when it falls to shit again.

so keep hurting yourself. keep lieing.
im sorry i cared, and feel stupid for giving all
i tired to understand, and in a way i did.
but it still wasn't good enough for you.
so was the love a waste?. where you kissing cuddling him instead?
did you just want to scream his name in sex?
was his face on top of my shoulders?
did you want to be hurt more?
did you want to be enthrilled more?
so keep stepping on your toes, keep chasing your lies
cause he found you, and before you knew it, got rid of you.
he wont ever take you back.

As AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL you are
you will always be in my heart.
it so sad to see your going backwards once again.
it breaks my heart i cant help you
i really wanted to be apart of your life
i still love you..

if so you'll be left there once again, alone, repeating history.
so get over it, get over him! cant you see there are better men out there
cant you understand, i could of been that man..
if you just let go and let me in
i would of given you everthing, but you dont beleive that.only he can
so thanks... thanks for using me, even if you didnt intend to
thanks for letting me be your "break up guy"

but at the end of the day
you weren't good enough for me!
and by the sounds
neither is strange punch distributer guy

thanks for helping break my heart
im so sorry for you
im sorry you didnt fall in love me like him.

i loved and cared for you so much i put you before myself.
so do you not care?
cause its making clear sense

happy valentines
enjoy your fucking flowers!!



i am so ANGRY! and RESENTFUL that i feel like a waste
im so jealous at most...

so weather you read this or not, im sure you understand why ive expressed my heart ache and pain in words like this..

what go's around comes around
so yeah..blah blah blah!!!

blog me this

This is a blog about a blog. A blog within a blog. A blog relating to a blog that had some blog mentioned about that blog. Can you guess that blog?
Blog me this, blog me that. What can't you right about a blog. What thought process retains an individual about that blog, any blog. It's just a blog. A blog from inside of the Blogger.
Did that blog become a blog because they are a master in bloggery? Can any blog explain that blog, the truth in this blog. The emotional process of release into a blog to create a masterful piece of blog. A blog held for centuries so the future civilizations read in order to rediscover what a blog is.

What is my purpose of a blog? Is it for you, or you? Is it for him or is it for her? Is it for the Blogger that writes the blog to better understand themselves and there blog? Personally.. its just realease.. realease I can't give to anyone person, any one human, any one lover. For I am too much of a blog myself. I'm a blog. And I write these blog from my bloggers heart. I care to much for my blog,my bloggers, and not enough for MY bloggers heart. So please read my blog from the heart. And know these blog... they come from a disturbed, and self drained....bloggers heart.
Look after your blog heart!

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fucked from above.

I'm spinning. Spinning round and round. Where I'll land is unknown. Stay still and be silent. These feelings arnt all that exciting..

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to be or not to be

I believe that anything can be possible. No matter how hard it may seem to be. Who knows. Maybe oneday I'll fly. Then I'll truly know that anything is possible. Buy for the time being, I'll do my best. With whatever is thrown at me. However things happen for me. And how it just is. The time will come when what seems impossible to become possible.

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details of a judgement

Being by myself, is something I've had for some time. Things are not changing. When change is what I value the most. Good change. The fear of letting go doesn't help fight the loneliness. So I hold on. Hold on to just that little piece that I won't be by myself. The thrill of being alone can entice. But to come back to safety in anothers arms fills me with glee. Unfortunately I'm where I don't want to be. But I've learnt to take it as it has come and deal with what is. I do miss you though. And I hope you are ok. I will never stop feeling for you. Because I believe.. I'll be in your arms again. Pce

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Who knows!

So im bored, very bored.
i have a tendersy to dweel and make myself bored.
if you have any ideas that may inspire me to get less bored, throw them this way.

How has it become that i am so bored?
lack of change? change of passion?
or am i still unable to let go of the certain ways i have obtained. Certain people that influnced my life. Certain circumstantial changes that felt weren't intended for the better of me.
Understanding that they were intented for the better of a growing young adult as progresion in this life of mine, has been a task to tackle.

What has got me here at this point is not the hate and resentment of these events but i like to more think the understanding and education i have gained, evne though it feels like failure. i dont want to stop learning. but i dont want more pain.
life is pain. and the quicker i learn and except that im suffering i will not be so harsh on myself.
unfortunately, i still beleive. and well. like to feel what im feeling. i am alive..
and what i have been given has been a adventurous journey into the unkown of myself and im sure for others to.

so im eating a nectarine, it tastes great. but ignoring that point i have been unable to eat lately at my best. maybe due to the butterflies flying around inside me stirring what is still coming to settle and find its place helping me move and prevent me to collapse once again into the ominous pit of self pity, depression, worthless sex, self harm towards myself and the binge drinking of cheap alcohol beverages.

It IS how it is and i have been more and more open in accepting this.
drinking, procastinating and self harm have not helped. and i learnt that quickly again. i changed quickly, becoming aware and im quite proud. yet i still feel empty and part of me pushes to search for the gap to be filled.dam a hug would be great right now. the ones you dont want to let go because the closure of the other person helps you feel safe and not alone.
learning that that is not the answer. if i stay positive it will come to me eventaully. all i had to do was let go...

No one wants to be alone in this world. i defantly dont. the feel to be needed, wanted, accepted and cherised to someones life excites me and brings me hope to take on more then i can. the only issues is i let it take control to much, so then loss, self love and presevation for my self becomes bleak and dank and the spiral starts to happen again. then the spitfulness in myself and self hate becomes over whelming, dragging those around me down.
Stability and liberation must be aqquired. independence and love are lacking most, and that i cant get up, turn my thought patterns around to change it quick is a breeding disaster .
but i beleive in time that it shall change and the more positive i can be the quicker i can aqquire such a dream to come true. to not recreate my failure and floors would be such the blessing. oh but thats not life, and the job will never be done. getting better is the task at hand.

Changing is my best freind but worst fear. or maybe the other way round. It can stay right and adjust to the thought and subject to change and adaption to it, i just cant seem to make friends and get along with it to support my wants and accept the needs its channeling through me.

all i beleive at this point is that im grateful. feel compasion. and hold no regrets or negative towards my past expereince. moving forward has been a difficult road and so has for others around me. but in this short time i have gained much knowleadge and apprecation for what its been and how much its worth to me now.

lets let it be. lets live in what weve been given. lets be friends till the end.
anything can happen at anytime at any point from the most unexpected.
and that i look forward to again.
change may never be my freind and i look forward to arguing with it more.

Nothing last forever i have been told. but i do beleive something is created from nothing. and if by unexpected chance. i may have the oppurtunity to be educated in such the events to me again with the same ppl in my life. for worse or better. for whats wrong or right.
or maybe, because the time will be right. and im aloud to keep it.

who knows..... bring it on again i say!! :)

"Forget her"

While this time's busy sleeping,
All the noise has died away.
I walk the streets to stop my weeping,
She'll never change her ways.

Don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
And my heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.

Her love is a rose, pale and dying.
Dropping her petals in land unknown
All full of wine, the world before her, was sober with no place to go.

Don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's somewhere out there now.


Well my tears fall down as I try to forget,
Her love was a joke from the day that we met.
All of the words, all of her men,
all of my pain when I think back to when.

Remember her hair as it shone in the sun,
the smell of the bed when I knew what she'd done.
Tell myself over and over you won't ever need her again.

But don't fool yourself,
she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget her, somehow.
She's out there somewhere now.

Oh She was heartache from the day that I first met her.
My heart is frozen still as I try to find the will to forget you, somehow.
Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now